Hoppy Endings - a "love" story.

hoppy endings

Jeremy Kareken

A large yellow ball sails by and a young woman chases after it.

clem

Whoa.

grog

What?

CLEM

Check it out?

GROG

What?

clem

Her.

GROG

What, behind the princess?

CLEM

I'm talking about the princess.

Clem watches her as she giggles and frets over her golden ball.

CLEM

She has got to be the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.

GROG

Too much trouble.

CLEM

What?

GROG

Look at her. She plays with a golden ball. You got the money for golden balls?

CLEM

No.

GROG

You got the money for golden anything?

CLEM

No.

GROG

Then forget it. She's out of your league.

CLEM

I'm just saying. I think she's nice.

GROG

What's with you, when did you start hopping after those things?

CLEM

She's not a thing.

GROG

Whatever. Too much trouble. Don't waste your time. Believe me.

clem

I'm not going to waste my time.

GROG

Good.

pause.

CLEM

Still --

GROG

How you going to make her fall in love with a frog?

clem

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

GROG

You going to take her out for dragonflies?

clem

Well, maybe I could get some kind of sorcerer to cast a spell on me.

GROG

Oh yeah? Then what? Now you're a dude with a taste for arthropods. You going to get a job?

clem

I guess.

GROG

Too late. She'd never have you. Jobs are very middle class. You think she's ever worked a day in her life?

clem

Well, maybe the sorcerer--

GROG

Or sorceress--

CLEM

or sorceress-- could make me rich too?

GROG

That's a terrible idea.

CLEM

What, why?

GROG

Think of what you'll do to the money supply.

clem

What?

GROG

If sorceresses went around making all this money then every other bit of money's worth less. It's very inflationary monetary policy.

clem

I'm not interested in economics.

GROG

No, you just want to hook up with a princess. My advice, stick with amphibians. Maybe hang out with a turtle. At least you'll have something to talk about.

CLEM

Jeez, there she goes again. I think she likes us. She's losing that ball on purpose.

GROG

Dry up. You don't have a snowball's chance.

CLEM

What do you know about it, anyways?

GROG

You wouldn't understand.

clem

No, enlighten me, mister super frog. You who are so wise in the ways of the human female.

GROG

All right, all right. Don't get jumpy.

clem

No, seriously, all of a sudden you're this expert frog. I say I think she's cute and you're all over me. Let me have my fun and keep out of it.

GROG

Fine fine.

CLEM

I wasn't saying I was going to marry her. I was just saying I thought she was cute.

GROG

Hey, frog, fine. Live and let live. Go find a sorceress.

CLEM

And another thing-- what's all this about sorceress. Are you one of these feminist--

grog

I used to be a Prince, okay?

clem

Oh, shut. Up. A prince?

GROG

Forget it.

CLEM

I had no idea I was in the presence of royalty. Prince! Are the flies to his majesty's liking?

GROG

Knock it off. This is why I can't share anything with you.

CLEM

No, go on, Emperor--

GROG

Prince!

clem

See that pond over there? I was grand Sultan of--

GROG

You don't know! So just shut your fly-hole and die, okay?

clem

All right, all right. I didn't mean to offend you.

GROG

I know those people is all I'm saying.

CLEM

So what happened that you're down here with us?

GROG

Oh, forget it. You're not interested.

clem

Yes I am.

GROG

You're just going to laugh at me.

clem

No. I'm not.

GROG

It sucks up there, believe me. You're worried about the aristocracy all day, because they never think they have enough land, other members of the royal family are trying to stab you in the head because they think they'd make a better king than you. And then there's the peasants. Don't get me started on the peasants. You try to help them out, and then these illiterate slobs get shirty with you, like who else is going to till the fields, smart guy? Then because you give a little extra money to them, every peasant wants some, so you start printing some. And then the economy's collapsing around your ears and the next thing I know this old crone starts screaming at me.

CLEM

Oh no.

GROG

Yeah. You see this coming. I say get your stupid fat hairy warts out of my face you old creep!

CLEM

Never piss off a sorceress.

GROG

You're telling me. So she lifts her magic staff and screams "warts I have but warty shall you be. Back to the pond, return to the scum when I count one, two, three."

clem

Wow.

GROG

Yeah, wow.

CLEM

You'd think she would have turned you into a toad.

GROG

What?

clem

I mean, we don't have warts.

GROG

Neither do toads.

CLEM

Yeah, but you look more warty if you're a toad. Just seems more poetic justice to me.

GROG

Well clearly she wasn't a biologist.

clem

I'm just saying that in witching school, you'd think--

GROG

Can we get back to me?

CLEM

Sure.

GROG

Sure it sucked for a while, but then you start to realize - hey, I'm out in the sun all day, when I'm not in the pool. Plenty of food, once you get used to it, and let's face it, this is prime waterfront property. The real estate is nice. All this "soon, son you will become a king." Feh, who needs it.

CLEM

I could have used a little of it.

GROG

Forget it. You have any idea how hard it is to find a princess you're not related to? You don't want your kids getting all web-footed, right? Well, I mean, when you look like that you don't want the web-feet. Trust me. It's easier and better to just stay like we are.

CLEM

Okay. I think I get it.

GROG

Good. So don't go getting her kiss you.

CLEM

What? Why not?

GROG

It's a well-known fact that a kiss from a princess turns any frog into a handsome prince.

CLEM

I thought you had to be cursed first.

GROG

No. That's a myth. There are quite a few princes out there who came from frogs, believe me.

CLEM

You'd think we'd hear of it more.

GROG

Well, it's uncommon. Good luck trying to kiss a frog. But no. I'm happy the way I am.

clem

So I just get her to kiss me and I'm-- prince?

GROG

Have you listened to a word I said?

CLEM

Yeah, sure, I'm just saying--

GROG

You don't need it. Trust me.

clem

I could try it.

GROG

Go ahead.

CLEM

What, really?

GROG

Go get her to kiss you. But you're in for a world of misery.

clem

I might.

GROG

Don't say I didn't warn you.

CLEM

I hearby absolve you of all responsibility.

GROG

You're digging your own grave, I'm telling you.

Clem hops off. Offstage we hear:

clem (o.s.)

Hey, lady! Come here--

princess (o.s.)

EEK! Get away from me--

CLEM (O.S.)

Wait, just let me--

PRINCESS (o.s)

Daaad!

king (o.s.)

Come here you--

CLEM (O.S.)

Now hold on, I mean you no harm--

off stage, we hear sounds of pounding. Grog watches as Clem gets pummeled. Clem drags himself on stage.

GROG

How'd it go?

CLEM

Not too good.

Grog tries to stifle a laugh.

clem

What?

GROG

I'm sorry-- I --

Grog starts laughing hysterically.

CLEM

WHAT?!

GROG

I can't believe you believed me! I really thought you had me with the toad wart thing. But you totally bought it!

clem

Dickweed.

GROG

Interspecies transmutation! Sorceress! You are such a sucker.

CLEM

I'm bleeding over here.

GROG

I know. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Bwaaah! Hah! Hah!

CLEM

all right, all right-- it's not that--

They look at each other, quietly, Grog trying not to laugh. Until neither can hold it in any longer.

clem and grog

BWAAAAAAAHHHHH HAHAH!-

The End.